Retro: Healing Defensiveness 1

Here is a blog from March 31st, 2012

A couple weeks ago I was watching an old series from the 90′s: “My So Called Life.”   During one episode, the mother wants her teenage daughter to enter a mother/daughter fashion show for charity. This is something that they’d been doing for years, but this year, the daughter expresses that she doesn’t want to do it.  The mother is frustrated and angry that her daughter is pulling away,  and expresses this to her daughter.  She says something akin to: “I don’t understand why we can’t do this one thing together… what will it look like when my own daughter won’t join me in the fashion show…”  etc.  She uses every manipulative tactic that she can think of.  The reason for this behavior is that she is hurt. She feels like her daughter doesn’t want to have anything to do with her anymore.

The daughter on the other hand suddenly expresses frustration that her mother wants her to parade her ugliness for everyone to see. She says to her mother “I am not beautiful like you, and that’s OK with me.  What I don’t understand is why you want me to be.”  From the daughter’s  perspective, the argument is about the daughter’s failure to not live up to her mother’s expectations of her.

So, basically, both sides act defensively because they think that the other person has a problem with them.  Mother: My daughter doesn’t love me anymore.  Daughter: I’m not good enough for my mother. When the TRUTH comes out, so does peace.

This same thing happens all through the show.. and this particular mother is a little neurotic; she takes what most people do personally and is frustrated.  But when you look at real life… isn’t this something that most people do? When there is a struggle between two people, how often are both parties thinking the same thing:  ”you don’t accept me for who I am?’  How often are neither thinking of the other: “you aren’t good enough?”

No… when you dig down… I personally believe that most struggles are about  our own attempts to feel loved and valuable.  When we think “this person thinks this of me” most likely they are just worried about what you, and others, think of them.

Just something to think about. May God bless your day.


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